The Roads We Travel: Fork in the Heart.

    In life, you tend to find people a long the journey you take. You love these people, or hate them. Sometimes the love is fleeting, and sometimes it lasts forever. Most travelers find a person to love at different check points, different realizations about themselves. They always find someone. But there are travelers like me, who get lost. They don't lose their way, or take a detour. They just get everyone they will ever love at a specific point and time, all at once. It rips you apart. It's like there are always clouds blocking your sunlight. No matter which clouds are just hanging there, one will always be there to block the sun, and block your thoughts. You can never decide; the one you've known longer than anyone else, the one that has good prospects, or the one that guards you. There is no wiggle room, no second chances. You'll end up hurting someone in the end.
    I hate being this person. The one that has to chose between different versions of joy, and that has to sit there as the thoughts of 'What Could Have Been' rush like a flood through her mind and heart. You never can be the same after you understand what you do to people. Once you see the hurt you cause by showing an emotion you know you shouldn't show, you never want to let it out again. I didn't want to fall for someone. I wanted to be wild and free and be who I am inside. I don't want the pressure of holding someones hand and having your life secrets intermingled with that of another. But I yearn for the affection, the contact. The feel of a hand to hold, lips to kiss, of another person's body that you can claim as yours. Take that out of the equation and it's a different story.
    I'm drawn to the physical moments, the heat brought in the air to surround two people in the dark. But you can't live off of that. You have to have a mental and emotional spark to keep the surge of electricity flowing. I need stability. When the physical connection is put on hold, and all I have are words to keep me going, I need someone who's always there at the drop of a hat. Our minds can be the scariest places imaginable, and without the proper knight to rush in and slay the demons, it's quickly turns into a waking Hell. And the loudest sign of affection isn't the soft touch, but the loud voice. The voice screaming to you when you're lost in your own darkness.
    It's hard, finding out what you want from life. It's hard deciding whether to pick the things your parents tell you to pick, run away with the love crazed one, or go with the one everyone says not too. It hurts all parties, and it kills the host. But that's life, and that's love. The expression of Love can only move as fast as the ink of a pen or the click of the keys. For it's not the act, but the process and the result that show what the word truly means.