Personalized Heaven

     As an atheist, and a young one at that, I often get caught up in these stupid little religious skirmishes with my old church friends. And one thing that will always bother me, because of being brought up in the Church, is Heaven and Hell. I've been told many times that I'm going to burn in Hell. I brush it off and let it be. But tonight, life's being a little rough on me, and I'm scared. I'm scared of death, and what it will bring. So I started thinking, about what Heaven would be like. And it all started with this...
     

     What is there was a Heaven for everyone? We all had our own personalized world. Mine would be everything I could ever want. I'd fly with the stars, no one could hurt me. Best of all, I couldn't hurt them. I'd be like Lucy, flying with my diamonds.

     In my Heaven, I'd be happy. There would be no more scars on my body, no more hatred in my heart. All my pasts loves would be forgotten, and new ones would never be formed. I'd be utterly alone. But, I'd be fine. I'd have music and motion, movies and spirits. I'd never be alone with my thoughts, and I'd spend all day long being exactly the person I tried to be. No more would my social status keep me in the dark, and no more would relationships gone wrong, keep me from having a happiness in my heart. Commitment wouldn't be a problem. I could eat whatever, whenever; never getting a belly ache and never growing tired of certain foods. I could jump as high as the moon, and swim among the stars. Nothing could touch me.
     But with every Heaven, comes a Hell. A Hell as personal as my happiness in this perfectly tranquil world. A Hell filled with the pollution of my sicknesses, and the pestilences of my imperfections. Everyday would be high school, I'd never escape the judging glares and whispers. The echo's of insults would ring in my ears until I was left in a huddled mass of wet hair and burning tears. An unjust balance of right and wrong would surround me, and the good would die in front of my eyes, but I could never stop it. I could never advance in the ranks and use whatever intellectual gifts I may posses to save these people. Never would I feel the softness of a kiss, so tender you never want it to end. But the pain of a broken heart and stolen soul would rock every fiber of my being until I was nothing but an empty shell of what was once a fiery girl. In my Hell, I could do nothing to save the lives of those I loved, and nothing to save my own from myself. 

     These polar opposites take turns filling my head with whispers and visions. I do not fear the religious versions of these eternities, but my own. For nothing is as fearful to the human mind, as itself. You will never be able to comprehend what spews out of your imagination, and what sneaks into your dreams at night. The human mind cannot be filtered, cannot be caged, and cannot be protected by walls. Pain and joy will get it, but it's up to you which one wins the fight to stay.