Perception

Once again it seems that the topic of atheism has come up in my life in a way that I feel should be explained.

I often avoid talking about my beliefs. Not because I am ashamed of them, or that I do not want other people to know them. I avoid talking about how I see the world because once people know how you see things they often don't see you how they used to.Facts change everything about perception. Learning your neighbors deep dark secrets will change how you you view them even if you don't intend it. Regardless of the size of the details it's hard to look at another person the same.

It's because of that change in perception that causes me to follow the whole practice of "Don't ask, don't tell" with my life. More often than not, I wait till someone asks me about my beliefs to share them. This practice usually keeps my days stress free and my social skills at 50% (I don't have much social skill really). Yet the discussion of beliefs cannot be avoided so my plans fails and the social graces I have whittled crumble.

Today's particular event happened over a discussion of sodomy (don't remember the lead up, don't ask). Tossing jokes back and forth between a few classmates, I made a Catholic joke. A very nice girl who sits nearby asks if I was a Catholic; my reply involved laughing and motioning to a book I was reading about atheism. Remarks were made, none of which I hadn't heard before (except for one about me not ever being able to be truly happy but all was forgiven) and I thought the discussion was ending. Until I heard "we should talk about this. People don't talk about the important things because they get too nervous."

Yes, I do avoid talking about atheism when my opinion has not been asked. Yes, I do get nervous being an atheist in a conversation about religion being headed by a group of church-going teenagers. But I somehow stifled that (not well, though) and carried on the conversation. While I can't, or either choose not too, remember exact wording, I can remember how the looks in the eyes of some of the people involved changed. The change wasn't dramatic, nor would it be concerning to most other people. But too me it was a change that solidified my ineptitude at running with certain crowds.

At most schools, social groups are formed out of people with similar beliefs. The "Atheist Group" at my school is few and far between. For years I've done my best to try and get at least a toe in the doorway of overall acceptance. But at that once instant the small flame went out. I'm not cold without the flame, and it's certainly not something that will stay gone for long. But those people who didn't look at me in any special way before they knew what religion (or lack thereof) I had now see me in a different light.

But why did it take the discovery of my beliefs to cause that? Why did it not matter until they knew? How long will it take for it to not matter again? I'll wait and see.